Cat Uncaged

When I wake up in the morning, I am often times scared to start the day! I wake up every single morning not sure where my mood will take me that day, not sure what I will screw up, or who I will upset. I wake up not sure if by the end of the day, will I have any friends.

This may sound odd, but if you want to know why, please, keep reading.

Throughout my life, I have had severe self esteem issues, severe depression, thoughts of suicide and inability to concentrate or finish tasks. Without me getting into a whole lot of history, and boring you, I will tell you about a basic day in my life.

Anything I do has to be in the short term. By this I mean I cannot partake in long lasting activities like a large craft project. I can maintain my attention for very short amounts of time. I hate it! I hate everything about it. I love crafting and quilting, but for as long as I could remember, anything I enjoyed, had to be short lived.
I finally decided about a year ago that I had to get help, or it would end badly. So I talked to my doctor, who told me I have severe Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, primarily inattentive. I didn't want to believe it, labels and stuff, I hate labels.

I rebelled, in a way, I didn't want to think it. Sure, it's just ADHD, but I don't want it. Why can't they just tell me it's all in my head. It IS in my head, but uncontrollable and becoming increasingly worse. So the doctor made a deal with me. Try the medicine for 6 months. If it didn't work, we would try alternative therapy.
Well, my head seemed to clear some. I still do not have the normal attention span of an adult. I am on the max medication I can be, so I have to live with it. No matter how much it sucks.

Recently, I had noticed that something was still off. The doctor told me that I would feel changes, but usually ADHD is secondary to a primary "illness". I was to attempt to figure out what it was. Yeah, this sucks.

I pretended for 6 months that the medicine was working, and that even though it wasn't perfect, it was the best I would ever be able to concentrate. Still not able to do long term stuff. I wish I could change, I cry a lot.
Anyway, I began to notice a pattern, the doctor was right, and I was scared.

I was  fooling myself that ADHD was all that I had, I guess I knew I wouldn't be that "lucky".

I had always had major bouts of depression, what I had assumed was due to lack of energy and drive associated with ADHD. I noticed something that I "knew" before but hadn't thought much of.
Whenever I had moment's of euphoria or happiness, I would always hit rock bottom of depression. And I would stay there for days, weeks or even months!


I just want to enjoy ONE day and not have to fall so far down when it's over. My daughter's birthday's are happy, followed by extreme sadness. I just want to be a normal mom to my little girl and she deserves that.
I do, however, give her everything I can, and force myself to show her all this as little as possible, but she knows. Kids know.
I suppose one positive thing comes from this nightmare that is my head, I can, and have been more understanding of her problems, "failures" and successes. She is, amazingly, a rock in my life. A single solid place that I cannot go a day without thinking about or concentrating on. The doctor said that the hormones in our mommy brains overwrite or at least rewrite some of the illnesses that effect the brain.

I want to blame people, but it doesn't do anything. I drive people away, unintentionally because I need someone to talk to, but they really don't know what to say. I become disappointed when something doesn't go perfectly, or when things aren't the way I want them. I lose interest if results are not immediate.
I become easily offended, whether intentional on the offender's behalf or not. I don't want to be hurt but I expect it so much that everything said to me I automatically assume to be negative.

I consistently wonder if I am the best parent for my daughter. I am always scared that what I am going through will harm her. She is my life, and I love her more than ANYTHING. I hurt so bad to think that I am causing her harm. It's NOT easy to be a mom with Severe ADHD and BiPolar, and I get mad sometimes that I have to live this way. I just hope that no matter what, my daughter knows that I love her, and that she is NOT the cause for any of this!