Thursday, February 25, 2010
When I wake up in the morning, I am often times scared to start the day! I wake up every single morning not sure where my mood will take me that day, not sure what I will screw up, or who I will upset. I wake up not sure if by the end of the day, will I have any friends.

This may sound odd, but if you want to know why, please, keep reading.

Throughout my life, I have had severe self esteem issues, severe depression, thoughts of suicide and inability to concentrate or finish tasks. Without me getting into a whole lot of history, and boring you, I will tell you about a basic day in my life.

Anything I do has to be in the short term. By this I mean I cannot partake in long lasting activities like a large craft project. I can maintain my attention for very short amounts of time. I hate it! I hate everything about it. I love crafting and quilting, but for as long as I could remember, anything I enjoyed, had to be short lived.
I finally decided about a year ago that I had to get help, or it would end badly. So I talked to my doctor, who told me I have severe Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, primarily inattentive. I didn't want to believe it, labels and stuff, I hate labels.

I rebelled, in a way, I didn't want to think it. Sure, it's just ADHD, but I don't want it. Why can't they just tell me it's all in my head. It IS in my head, but uncontrollable and becoming increasingly worse. So the doctor made a deal with me. Try the medicine for 6 months. If it didn't work, we would try alternative therapy.
Well, my head seemed to clear some. I still do not have the normal attention span of an adult. I am on the max medication I can be, so I have to live with it. No matter how much it sucks.

Recently, I had noticed that something was still off. The doctor told me that I would feel changes, but usually ADHD is secondary to a primary "illness". I was to attempt to figure out what it was. Yeah, this sucks.

I pretended for 6 months that the medicine was working, and that even though it wasn't perfect, it was the best I would ever be able to concentrate. Still not able to do long term stuff. I wish I could change, I cry a lot.
Anyway, I began to notice a pattern, the doctor was right, and I was scared.

I was  fooling myself that ADHD was all that I had, I guess I knew I wouldn't be that "lucky".

I had always had major bouts of depression, what I had assumed was due to lack of energy and drive associated with ADHD. I noticed something that I "knew" before but hadn't thought much of.
Whenever I had moment's of euphoria or happiness, I would always hit rock bottom of depression. And I would stay there for days, weeks or even months!

I just want to enjoy ONE day and not have to fall so far down when it's over. My daughter's birthday's are happy, followed by extreme sadness. I just want to be a normal mom to my little girl and she deserves that.
I do, however, give her everything I can, and force myself to show her all this as little as possible, but she knows. Kids know.
I suppose one positive thing comes from this nightmare that is my head, I can, and have been more understanding of her problems, "failures" and successes. She is, amazingly, a rock in my life. A single solid place that I cannot go a day without thinking about or concentrating on. The doctor said that the hormones in our mommy brains overwrite or at least rewrite some of the illnesses that effect the brain.

I want to blame people, but it doesn't do anything. I drive people away, unintentionally because I need someone to talk to, but they really don't know what to say. I become disappointed when something doesn't go perfectly, or when things aren't the way I want them. I lose interest if results are not immediate.
I become easily offended, whether intentional on the offender's behalf or not. I don't want to be hurt but I expect it so much that everything said to me I automatically assume to be negative.

I consistently wonder if I am the best parent for my daughter. I am always scared that what I am going through will harm her. She is my life, and I love her more than ANYTHING. I hurt so bad to think that I am causing her harm. It's NOT easy to be a mom with Severe ADHD and BiPolar, and I get mad sometimes that I have to live this way. I just hope that no matter what, my daughter knows that I love her, and that she is NOT the cause for any of this!


Woman Uncensored said...

Thank you for sharing what it is like for you.

jessica faye. said...

Although my mom does not have ADHD, she does have SEVERE bipolar disorder. And has tried to commit suicide multiple times throughout my childhood. Now that I'm an adult, and I can actually understand everything that happened, she sat down and talked to me and told me that it was never anything to do with me or that she didn't love me enough. She just felt so low about herself and felt that everyone would be better off without her. And, as a child- the youngest I can remember her attempting suicide was 4- I KNEW that she still loved me and that it wasn't my fault. I have always felt so close with my mother and I never blamed her for any kind of side effect of the bipolar disorder. I have always known that my mom loves me so much and that it was just something that will affect her life..

I believe that your little girl will know the same things i knew. Even at a young age- we can understand problems. And we can understand that even though our parents have problems, they still love us. You and your daughter will be fine!

Catrina said...

They are still trying to figure out the severity of it, but I find myself feeling much the same way you describe your mother feeling..
I have wondered if anyone would notice if I were gone. But I know, that she needs me, no matter how screwed up I am.
I want to thank you, your comments warmed my heart!

Anonymous said...

I have noticed similar symptoms in me. Euphoric highs, with horrendous lows immediately after. I know some of mine is from my hearing issues (that doctors don't seem to think is that bad). I am writing a blog about my journey as a mom. Here's the link if you want to read.

Thank you so much for sharing. Every parent has something that isn't perfect with themselves. I'm very proud of you for being brave enough to come out and share your story. Have faith, and know that your little girl is a very good reason to keep going in life. Works for me when I hit bottom.

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