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Friday, August 14, 2009

I Died at 12: My Real Story

August 13, 2009 by

(Originally published by Catrina McKechnie on Associated Content)

Obviously I didn’t die, but my heart did; everything that I was died when I was 12. I used to be outgoing, and genuinely happy. That all changed when I went back to school in seventh grade. As a preteen anything someone does to you, or that you do to someone can be devastating. In my case, it was almost

more than I could bare.

My “best friend” in seventh grade, did what a lot of kids do to get ahead. She started a vulgar rumor about me. My life came crashing down around me. I was being laughed at by everyone, and others were calling me vulgar names and making vulgar gestures to go along with the nasty rumor. My life as I knew it came to an end so that another could get ahead.

Sitting alone at lunch draws attention to you; there is no question about it. A boy, (who I later found out was mentally Ill) decided that since the rumor claimed me to be, among many painful things for a 12 year old to handle, a whore; I must be easy. He doted on me and like any vulnerable child I thought I was in love. I was smart enough to logically understand that I wasn’t in love at 12 years old, but emotionally I wanted whatever anyone would give me, well, until he wanted more. I told him no! I told him that I wasn’t ready for sex at 12 years old. I told him to stop.

I can never thank my mother enough for what she did that day. She invaded my privacy and stopped him right before I was raped. Damage had been done. I had no one to talk to about how he touched me. I had no one to tell that I didn’t want to be touched. I wasn’t raped but I was molested. I didn’t want to be touched and I wasn’t ready. I wanted my first time to be special not forced. Sadly, two years later, just after I entered high school, he returned and tried again. I am weak, and still I didn’t want to be touched or hurt or intruded upon, but I couldn’t stop him. I did, I don’t remember much but I told him to leave, I told him to never come back. I told him I hated him. I told him how he hurt me. He just laughed. He laughed in my face. Per

haps the threat of my father with a baseball bat scared him away, I don’t know, but I couldn’t take back what had happened a second time. What I let happen. I let him hurt me and I don’t know why. More than anything I want to stop him. I want the nightmares to stop. I might have been able to prevent the future issues.

The vulgar rumor followed me to high school. Tantamount to torture I just wanted to die. I woke up every morning wondering how I could end my pain. I suffered through every day until I could take it no more. A girl in my English class had presented the rumor to the class. Two days before I had walked to my softball game and been followed and beaten on. She hit me in the back of the head. I kept walking, Tears streaming down my face. I was hoping she’d kill me. I couldn’t fight back, there were 4 of them. I wasn’t “good enough” she said. She didn’t “like me”, I was a “coward”. So I kept walking, waiting, hoping, but they left me alone. They left me t

o suffer more.

English class, I was doing my assignment, they all laughed, I looked up. They pointed to me, you did “THAT”? The girls all claimed they saw me, in action. I wanted to tell them it wasn’t true. We all know they wouldn’t believe me. So I left class, I emptied my locker and left the school crying, as hard as I had ever cried. This was especially frightening to those who knew me. I don’t cry in public, let alone in front of other kids. I got on the bus and cried the whole ride home. I cried.

One teacher pretended to care. (I later, (about a month ago) found out that he was a pedophile, another disaster averted thank God).

I couldn’t wait to just end it all. My parent’s cared but no one else. When you’re a kid, it’s just not enough. I was planning to say goodbye to everyone I loved and then find a way to die quietly. I was 14.

Two years of torture and hatred, I was going to end it.

“What’s wrong” someone asked. I did what I had done for so long and ignored it. They didn’t really care. If they cared they’d make it stop. They’d tell them all to stop.

“Catrina, what’s wrong” The voice was a little stronger this time and I still ignored it. Chances are it was someone just wanting to start another heartless, hurtful rumor. I just wanted them to shut up.

“Catrina, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong”

Help me? You want to help me. Through tear filled eyes, I lied. I said I was ok. To anyone who knew me, which I believe this person did, when I cry, things are really bad.

“No you’re not. Talk to me. I can and will help you, I promise.”

I was petrified of empty promises. For some reason, this offer was very genuine. I believed that this person would help me. I wish I could say that my problems ended, they didn’t. However, they lessened if for no other reason, I had someone to talk to, that cared, and that wasn’t my parents. I love my parents, but at 14 you believe they HAVE to love you. You believe they have no other choices.

More rumors followed, but it was bearable to hear. I felt a little stronger. I did drop out of school, but continued on with night school. I still suffer unimaginable nightmares. Also, extreme self esteem and social issues, but that day, and over 4 years; I became capable of living. I’m still learning to live. I have a daughter of my own. I hope she doesn’t have to go through what I went through. I pray that she’ll be ok. I pray that she doesn’t hide when she see’s those people. The one’s who hurt her. I pray that she doesn’t run when invited somewhere. I pray that she can someday feel free to just drop in on friends and maybe ever one day feel completely comfortable with her friendships.

I had several plans to kill myself. Because, one person cared; one person chose to not judge me by others comments; one person chose to continue contact with me even now. I am alive. That person really doesn’t know what they did for me. I’d love to tell them but I’m scared. What if they find what happened to me. I am starting to feel, that it’ll be ok. That’s why I am writing it down. Because I can hold it in no longer.

There is a lot more to compound this, but perhaps all of the other issues wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t already willing myself to die.

Photo courtesy of

I'm sitting here, having a tea party with my beautiful daughter and I am wondering, What is it on this earth that allows me to finally feel peace.

I mean literally, I feel peace. I'm half concerned that there is some major fallout from this wonderful serene moment.

Recently I published a piece on Associated Content that I needed to say. The title is I died at 12.

It is a story of my life from when I was younger. A good friend of mine inspired me to write this out. It was hard. Many tears were shed. Overall I believe that these tears needed to be shed for me to heal. I don't want pity, but for others to understand me.

I've had many encouraging, loving comments from those who were there, and from new friends. I feel that it might be beneficial to me to write the rest out. To write the hardest parts. I know my true friends and family will always love me, and maybe this will help me heal and become a better person.

If interested please read the article at I Died at 12.

Photo from
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I am still navigating the wide world what is the Internet, I'm learning from others before me and having a lot of fun.
I don't think many people understand that being a writer is within their grasp. This is within my grasp, I must utilize my tools, and friendly resources and I know I will succeed!
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This kind of promotion is not the kind at work. This is the kind that lets others know who you are. You are advertising yourself to others. Why? Well, to earn money among other things.
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Overcoming the nay-Sayers and obstacles is the most difficult task.
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Writing certain thing will inevitably anger some. There is nothing that anyone can do.
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Saturday, July 25, 2009
This amazing new world of mine, writing, is fantastic.
I never dreamed I would love writing this much. The internet is a huge help in my success. Without the internet I would be turned down at every corner.
So, where do I go from here? Well, right now, I am writing to learn and advance myself in techniques that others are looking for. I am not a professional yet, so I take it all in. Forums, Help Desks, Editors comments, every single critique, every single search and promotion effort is aiding me in my adventure.
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I don't require to be a household name. The thought is invigorating, but I continue on, creating my portfolio and enjoying my new found success. Not by definition, but in my heart.
As I work hard to become what I have dreamed of my whole life, A writer, I encounter many challenges.
This is, of course, to be expected. As they say, anything worth doing, takes a lot of work, a lot of failures and a lot of disappointments. I am not discouraged.
I am very excited to announce I was published on Associated Content. You can find me here.
As of today I have six published pieces and one in processing. I am enjoying the challenge of learning the correct techniques, the preferred writing content, and researching for my topics.
I have come to understand that this is not going to get me rich, but rich is really a mind state. Rich does not have to be about money. So I ask, am I happy? Yes, I am!
I am doing something I really love. I am writing about my life, my experiences, and my passions.
I don't expect to be the next lead reporter in my local newspaper (they already said no) but I do know that if I continue to work hard and put myself and my hard work out there for everyone to see, someone will find me and tell me they like me.
Realistically there are thousands, if not millions of writers online trying to do the very same thing that I am. If I do not get noticed, that is okay. I know that I have done a great thing, I went for what I wanted, and I am going to fight for it.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
My entire life I have dreamed of being a writer.
There are many things that I am passionate about and intend to share with my friends, family and the world, the beautiful things in my world.
Thank you for taking the time to read, and learn about me.

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