I Died at 12: My Real Story

Obviously I didn’t die, but my heart did; everything that I was died when I was 12. I used to be outgoing, and genuinely happy. That all changed when I went back to school in seventh grade. As a preteen anything someone does to you, or that you do to someone can be devastating. In my case, it was almost

more than I could bare.

My “best friend” in seventh grade, did what a lot of kids do to get ahead. She started a vulgar rumor about me. My life came crashing down around me. I was being laughed at by everyone, and others were calling me vulgar names and making vulgar gestures to go along with the nasty rumor. My life as I knew it came to an end so that another could get ahead.

Sitting alone at lunch draws attention to you; there is no question about it. A boy, (who I later found out was mentally Ill) decided that since the rumor claimed me to be, among many painful things for a 12 year old to handle, a whore; I must be easy. He doted on me and like any vulnerable child I thought I was in love. I was smart enough to logically understand that I wasn’t in love at 12 years old, but emotionally I wanted whatever anyone would give me, well, until he wanted more. I told him no! I told him that I wasn’t ready for sex at 12 years old. I told him to stop.

I can never thank my mother enough for what she did that day. She invaded my privacy and stopped him right before I was raped. Damage had been done. I had no one to talk to about how he touched me. I had no one to tell that I didn’t want to be touched. I wasn’t raped but I was molested. I didn’t want to be touched and I wasn’t ready. I wanted my first time to be special not forced. Sadly, two years later, just after I entered high school, he returned and tried again. I am weak, and still I didn’t want to be touched or hurt or intruded upon, but I couldn’t stop him. I did, I don’t remember much but I told him to leave, I told him to never come back. I told him I hated him. I told him how he hurt me. He just laughed. He laughed in my face. Per

haps the threat of my father with a baseball bat scared him away, I don’t know, but I couldn’t take back what had happened a second time. What I let happen. I let him hurt me and I don’t know why. More than anything I want to stop him. I want the nightmares to stop. I might have been able to prevent the future issues.

The vulgar rumor followed me to high school. Tantamount to torture I just wanted to die. I woke up every morning wondering how I could end my pain. I suffered through every day until I could take it no more. A girl in my English class had presented the rumor to the class. Two days before I had walked to my softball game and been followed and beaten on. She hit me in the back of the head. I kept walking, Tears streaming down my face. I was hoping she’d kill me. I couldn’t fight back, there were 4 of them. I wasn’t “good enough” she said. She didn’t “like me”, I was a “coward”. So I kept walking, waiting, hoping, but they left me alone. They left me t

o suffer more.

English class, I was doing my assignment, they all laughed, I looked up. They pointed to me, you did “THAT”? The girls all claimed they saw me, in action. I wanted to tell them it wasn’t true. We all know they wouldn’t believe me. So I left class, I emptied my locker and left the school crying, as hard as I had ever cried. This was especially frightening to those who knew me. I don’t cry in public, let alone in front of other kids. I got on the bus and cried the whole ride home. I cried.

One teacher pretended to care. (I later, (about a month ago) found out that he was a pedophile, another disaster averted thank God).

I couldn’t wait to just end it all. My parent’s cared but no one else. When you’re a kid, it’s just not enough. I was planning to say goodbye to everyone I loved and then find a way to die quietly. I was 14.

Two years of torture and hatred, I was going to end it.

“What’s wrong” someone asked. I did what I had done for so long and ignored it. They didn’t really care. If they cared they’d make it stop. They’d tell them all to stop.

“Catrina, what’s wrong” The voice was a little stronger this time and I still ignored it. Chances are it was someone just wanting to start another heartless, hurtful rumor. I just wanted them to shut up.

“Catrina, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong”

Help me? You want to help me. Through tear filled eyes, I lied. I said I was ok. To anyone who knew me, which I believe this person did, when I cry, things are really bad.

“No you’re not. Talk to me. I can and will help you, I promise.”

I was petrified of empty promises. For some reason, this offer was very genuine. I believed that this person would help me. I wish I could say that my problems ended, they didn’t. However, they lessened if for no other reason, I had someone to talk to, that cared, and that wasn’t my parents. I love my parents, but at 14 you believe they HAVE to love you. You believe they have no other choices.

More rumors followed, but it was bearable to hear. I felt a little stronger. I did drop out of school, but continued on with night school. I still suffer unimaginable nightmares. Also, extreme self esteem and social issues, but that day, and over 4 years; I became capable of living. I’m still learning to live. I have a daughter of my own. I hope she doesn’t have to go through what I went through. I pray that she’ll be ok. I pray that she doesn’t hide when she see’s those people. The one’s who hurt her. I pray that she doesn’t run when invited somewhere. I pray that she can someday feel free to just drop in on friends and maybe ever one day feel completely comfortable with her friendships.

I had several plans to kill myself. Because, one person cared; one person chose to not judge me by others comments; one person chose to continue contact with me even now. I am alive. That person really doesn’t know what they did for me. I’d love to tell them but I’m scared. What if they find what happened to me. I am starting to feel, that it’ll be ok. That’s why I am writing it down. Because I can hold it in no longer.

There is a lot more to compound this, but perhaps all of the other issues wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t already willing myself to die.

Finding information can be difficult when you don't have a lot of time on your hands. Here is a list of 6 web sites that provide quality information for new moms:

Motherhood will be one of the biggest adventures of a women's life. New mothers are often surprised about what exactly motherhood entails. Whether you have changed 1,000 diapers or none, changing your own infant's diaper is definitely different.

So, You're a mom, What now?If you are asking yourself this, don't worry, you wouldn't be the only one who has asked themselves this. Being a mother, in a lot of ways, is like life before motherhood. The biggest difference is, your life changes completely.

By now you know that motherhood is a roller coaster ride!From baby sleep patters to feeding to baby care, this is your new role as mommy. Not to worry, let us look at some things that might ease your concerns (if you have any).

If you want to stay home with your kids but you are not sure how you can afford to do so, here are some ideas for you.

Rachele Burke, associated content, star girl designs5 resources for Maine moms-

I am not a political person as a general rule, I am a mom. Momsrising.org "Since 2006, MomsRising has been working to bring together millions of people who share a common concern about the need to build a more family-friendly America. Members are bringing important motherhood and family issues to the forefront of the country's awareness. Together, we are working to create both cultural and legislative change, on both the national and state levels."

Breastfeeding can be difficult, but not to worry. A lactation Consultant may be able to help. A lactation consultant is a person who works with mom on every aspect of breastfeeding, from latching on, to possible complications of breastfeeding. Here are some lactation consultants in and around Waterville Maine

Breastfeeding; What is it and why is it better than formula? Breastfeeding is exactly what the name implies,feeding a child with the breast. The breast starts lactation before the child is even born.

Motherhood will be one of the biggest adventures of a women's life. New mothers are often surprised about what exactly motherhood entails. Whether you have changed 1,000 diapers or none, changing your own infant's diaper is definitely different.

Finding information can be difficult when you don't have a lot of time on your hands. Here is a list of 6 web sites that provide quality information for new moms:

If you are asking yourself this, don't worry, you wouldn't be the only one who has asked themselves this. Being a mother, in a lot of ways, is like life before motherhood. The biggest difference is, your life changes completely.

Painting with a Toddler July 30, 2009 by Catrina McKechnie 

Finding yourself and your own ways and religions is really a thing of the past. Door to Door Religious sales are the thing of today.

In 1990, J. K. Rowling was on a crowded train from Manchester to London when the idea for Harry suddenly "fell into her head" J.K. Rowling explains, on her website, her personal recollection of the event."I had been writing almost continuously since the age of six but I had never been so excited about an idea before. I simply sat and thought, for four (delayed train) hours, and all the details bubbled up in my brain, and this scrawny, black-haired, bespectacled boy who did not know he was a wizard became more and more real to me."

He had not been expecting a letter. As he opened the mailbox, he realized, amongst the bills and sales flyers, he had gotten exactly that, a letter.

In the beginning the most troubling obstacle to overcome is learning to trust again.

I am 25 years old and I have ADHD. ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. ADHD does not define who I am, but ADHD does often define what I do and how I interact with others.

Every parent, unfortunately, must discipline their child. Disciplining a child can be very difficult; this process is emotional for both child and parent. As a parent maintaining a cool, calm composure is a vital piece to maintaining a proper discipline strategy.

Brown Bagging It? Healthy Lunch IdeasLooking for some ideas for a bagged lunch? Here are some simple, inexpensive and even healthy lunch ideas for you and your kids.

Children Are Individuals, Why Do We Compare One Child to Another?As a first time parent, I know the race is on. Will my two and a half year old daughter meet or exceed expectations and guidelines?Every new and experienced parent who has visited a pediatrician knows of the Milestone charts. Children are expected to do certain things by a certain age or they are considered "behind". Often, being sent through test after test. Many parents find out, after all these tests, that their child is perfectly normal, just not "ready" to be put in the spotlight.

The Inside Out Playground in Waterville, Maine is a non-profit organization designed specifically for infant through age five. Older children are welcome as well.

Dictionary.com describes the definition of perfect as:per-fect {adj., n. pur-fikt; v. per-fekt}-adjectiveentirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomingsIn theory, to be a perfect parent would mean, no mistakes, no flaws, the perfect life and child.Now, lets examine that theory. Is it even possible?

Breastfeeding is making a strong comeback, and yet is still considered sexual and taboo. The focus is not the nourishment to the child, the focus is on the women's breast. The breast has become a sexual object. The human breast is designed specifically as a means for nourishment for a child.

Shopping can be fun. Make your experience enjoyable and show your child love and respect. Constant yelling and demeaning behavior is not really appropriate is any setting, let alone a public place.